


Burn

by spotlessbreak



Category: Captain Marvel (2019)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, F/F, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-02
Updated: 2019-10-02
Packaged: 2020-11-10 17:17:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20855414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spotlessbreak/pseuds/spotlessbreak
Summary: Carol Danvers lost her memories and family.What did she get out of it?OrCaptain Marvel deals with her emotions after leaving Earth to help the Skrull.





	Burn

**Author's Note:**

> I've never read the comics. As in the movies we don't get to explore much of the characters' emotions, I tried to dive a little in what Carol might be feeling after the movie ended and how she might react to all of it. It will be heavy at some point, it will hurt, and it WILL BE the slowest burn ever.
> 
> You've been warned.

_ This is beyond disgusting... _

Carol flew back to the Skrull spaceship while covered in pink alien vomit. Turns out she needs to start picking her bar fights a little better. She won, of course, but still covered in pink alien vomit (which disturbingly smells a lot like anise, to make things worse). This suit will need proper recovery if she is to keep doing this. 

It’s been three months since she left C-53. 96 Earth days to be accurate. The first days went by really quickly. Carol was high on adrenaline, fresh on experimenting her powers, fuelled with anger for the Kree. It was fast and intense. Still at some point she began to overlook the recent events, and slow down a little. 

That’s when the sorrow started to creep up on her. 

One morning she woke up, put her leather jacket on and casually put her hand inside its pocket. It wasn’t to her complete surprise when she found a folded picture of her and Monica at her first birthday party. Carol was wearing the same jacket as today as she held baby Monica in front of a strawberry cake. They both smiled to the camera in the same time as the baby took a huge piece of cake with her hands (as huge as her baby hands would allow it) and tried to rub it into her aunt’s face. Carol looked at the picture framing the family’s special moment and smiled. She could feel in her heart the joy and the love that consumed her at the time. The excitement and the… 

… The love for Monica… 

… Except she has no memory of it.

Not flashes, nor the sound of the baby’s laugh or the taste of the cake. She had no recollection of the event. She's been stripped of a gloriously happy moment in her history that would never come back. Monica is not a baby anymore, and will never be again. 

She was there and she missed it.

Who the hell was she? She had a family, a beautiful loving family, except she only had a handful of _ loose flashes and scrambled feelings _. 

Are those even real anyway? How could she know? She maybe is creating scenarios from her imagination to try and fill this void. Give a meaning to those feelings and write them a story. An endless story. Never ending story.

_ That's a movie… Ha… Interesting. _

Why did this happen to her?

All her life she wanted to fly to the sky and beyond, help people, be a hero.

But at what cost?

Did she have to lose everything?

Sometimes she feels like she never had anything to lose at all, that it's all just a big trick from her subconscious. A trick to keep her from risking it all in her fights and giving in. And in those moments… she drinks.

She can't take this ambiguity and a plain open past. The grieving of an unknown life is too much to bear.

Carol's hand started shaking and made the picture tremble. She felt the heat rising in the bottom of her stomach and go up to her chest. When her eyes began to water she closed them and took a deep breath.

She had to punch something.

The captain took off the jacket and darted out of her room at a fast pace, but not running. She doesn't need to startle people over her personal issues. As she arrived at the ship's exit and closed the door behind her, finally she would be embraced by the immensity of space. She flew fast away from the ship.

At last a little bit of her rage could be released. 

After a few moments looking around her Carol spotted an enormous asteroid. Pure bland rock.

Perfect.

She let her fire go into her hands and spread along her hole body. Carol glowed like star and burned the surrounding small rocks with the heat. She welcomed the fire with relief and let it consume her. The captain continued to glow until she finally screamed and darted like a bullet into the asteroid. The impact caused a small explosion and left the rock at pieces. 

It was satisfying. 

A purge.

Although it wasn’t enough.

She needs more rocks.

* * *

Carol arrived at the spaceship and could, finally, solve her vomited suit problem. She went straight into the equivalent of a laundry room at the ship. People made eyes and turned their noses as she walks, which is ok, she really do have a smell today.

“Oh, hi Danvers.” The skrull responsible for the laundry cabinets, Hugell, greeted her with a laugh “Tough night captain?”

“Hi Hu, nothing like a night with vomit on my hair.” Carol replied smiling. “Is any ‘body and clothing cabin’ free?”

“Just your luck, number 3 is just vacant. Enjoy.” He said with a teasing smile.

“Idiot.”

“Don’t leave any alien fluids inside my cabin this time, please!”

“I won’t!” Danvers walked fast inside the room with number 3 on it. Finally.

She proceeded to sit on the bench at the corner of the room to get rid of the dirty clothes. The washing system in the ship had two divisions. One cabin to use as some sort of washing and drying machine that cleaned and dried everything up in a few minutes, and another one to clean up whoever enters the tiny capsule. 

Carol left her suit inside the first cabin to be cleaned and entered the other one. It was a small space, made to fit only one person (not a problem to some horny determined people on this ship). And then waited for the water to hit on her body from different sides. It was hot and comfortable, helped with some of the stress.

When the water first hit her hands it was a bit confusing. She felt a sharp tingling in the middle of her palm. Some sort of light pressure. She looked at her hands and exhaled. 

_ Let's get this over with. _

* * *

She finished and went to her room to rest. Small bed, no windows outside, just one at the door that could be fully closed. Her own private metal box... She laid down on the bed and exhaled, feeling some of the tension leave her chest.

Carol feels so much. All the time.

She is tired. And angry. And electric. All the energy from her powers, now free to be used to their full potential, seems to get her in a more alert state. Anxious. It's been difficult to sleep since she left Earth. She can't get her herself to relax enough to sleep for more than 2 hours straight, and when she does, it always comes with those dreams.

_ Those _ dreams.

The ones of what maybe was her life from before the Kree. Watching planes take off at the air base, stargazing with Monica, cooking dinner with Maria… Some of her other dreams with Maria were… Spicy… To say the least. It made Carol kind of embarrassed, but again, she didn't know if it really happened. Maybe Maria and her were really together. 

But then why didn't she tell? Maria said they were best friends. _ Best friends _. If she was really Carol's girlfriend (hell… wife?) she would have told her. It doesn't make any sense to be married to someone and not knowing it. 

Maria would have told Carol if they really were a couple… Of course she would.

Which made her wet dreams weirdly one sided.

Last time she managed to sleep for five hours non stop she had a dream of her and Maria basically going crazy with lust on the hood of her mustang. She woke up covered in sweat and didn't sleep for three days.

This _ is _ getting out of hand.

She tossed and turned in her bed changing positions to see if it helps. Turning to her left side she was able to see the picture she had of her and Monica beside her bed. After the initial shock and mild breakdown the picture really became her favourite thing. She would look at it when her day started, ended and whenever she possibly could. 

She missed Monica so much. She may be auntie Carol, but she felt way more maternaly towards the girl for it to be accepted. The longing, the urge to protect, to give everything she has and more. She feel the love of a parent, and has the dreams of a parent. She had vivid images of breakfasts, Disney movie nights, camping in the backyard so they could see the stars all night long… 

Is that all in her head?

Is her head fabricating is images?

Carol is sure about the feelings. What she feels is real and genuine, she can't fabricate love.

But images are tricky.

Did she and Monica bake "hump cakes" every Wednesday? Did all three of them went on a roadtrip to New Orleans during the holidays? Did Maria actually kiss her nape to wake her up on Sundays?

Was it real or purely a desperate attempt to fill her brain with life?

She felt her eyes begin to water. and remembered of the bottle she had under her cabinet.

Maybe this will make her sleep.

She got up and went towards the drawer and opened it. The bottle with what Carol likes to call "andromeda vodka" was right where she left it. It wasn't stronger than Earth's, but it does leave a faint sweet taste in your tongue a few seconds after you swallow it.

Danvers got her sweet galaxy vodka and proceeded to lie down in bed again. She held the alcohol and saw it had less than half left inside. 

_ Screw it. _

She drank a bit and thanked for the light numb state her mind went in for a few seconds. She closed her eyes and saw short dark hair and smooth brown skin. She opened them to a grey metal ceiling.

"Danvers… Why are you like this?" She said to herself and turned in her bed once again.


End file.
